Monday, December 14, 2009

Step away from my ovaries

Calling Dr. Douchebag. Calling Dr. Douchebag.... your 6:20 Pap Smear appointment is here.

That's right, my friends. It's that time, the time for cold hands and even colder stirrups, along with a doctor with the bedside manner of a concrete wall. His stony facade is not his only attribute. He's also matter of fact about women's  role in today's society: to reproduce. And this is exactly what he communicated to me at my last Pap smear. His exact words: You're no spring chicken and you should be thinking now about having a baby.

That was more than a year ago, and now that I'm just that bit closer to the magical age of 40, I can imagine what will be the topic of conversation tomorrow while his hand is up my vajayjay. My situation is a litte different than it was a year and a half ago. My relationship is no longer in its freshman year, but the Man and I have talked about kids and we both agree that it is not in the cards. It's not because I'm too old. It's because I don't want them and neither does he. Will this change? I'm not sure, but I am sure that I don't want them now and I have no maternal yearning as of yet, with me on the cusp of that magical age.

I love kids and they love me. The list of honorary neices and nephews will attest to that. I'm the cool aunt, the one who takes them to the movies and concerts and the one who discusses the finer art of wrestling (I'm not sure there is a finer art lurking in that arena, but I'll debate it with my nephew and impress him with my knowledge of past and present wrestlers. It's one of the things I took away from my first marriage). But, I'm not sure if that makes me a prime candidate for baby mama status.

I do know that no amount of pressure from any doctor, especially this one, or my parents or any friend on the baby bandwagon will get me to the conclusion that I want my own kids. This is especially true while my feet are in the stirrups and the doctor is discussing why I need to procreate now while my uterus and fallopian tubes are not yet dried up.

I've been known to wake up to my early morning alarm only to turn it off and turn over for another half hour. I think it will be the same with my biological clock. Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Now get your hand away from my ovaries!


  1. Hear Hear! I totally agree with you on this one! I think I'd be an awesome mother, however, not willing to test this theory out for fear that I coud actually follow in my own monster's footsteps......I do think though that my own situation in life if I were to have kids, I'd have to name them "Mistake" and "Accident"

  2. It's none of his damn business. You know what you want and don't let anyone pressure you into something different.

  3. I think it's probably that he sees a lot of women who do wait til their ovaries are dried out before they finally say "hey let's give it a shot" and then they can't have any, or not without expensive, painful, sometimes unsuccessful help, and he's just trying to save you from that. Because a lot of women DO suddenly change their minds. If you're sure, absolutely sure, you don't want any, you could get a tubal ligation, and then he'd stop telling you it's now or never.