Tuesday, December 29, 2009

When good soap turns bad

Have you ever wondered what makes a perfectly good bar of soap crack and bleed brown shit? Yeah, me too. And, if it’s soap, is it self-cleaning and do you have to worry about the brown shit. Sure, it looks bad, but is it really bad for you?

These were the questions running through my head at 2 a.m. this morning. That and who the hell would eat the KFC chicken bowls I saw advertised late at night… I mean who thinks chicken, gravy, corn and potatoes all mashed together in one bowl is appetizing? First of all, you rent corn. It goes in, it comes out. Quickly. At least for me. And whole, but that’s a detail you didn’t need to hear. Or visualize. I’m sorry.

The only thing not on my mind was sleep. I’d gotten a lot of it over the holiday. I had taken a nap on the couch on Boxing Day, because what else is there to do but fight the Boxing Day shopping fanatics and I wasn’t about to do that. So, I slept. And slept. And then when I’d had enough, I slept some more. Clearly, I was in a sleep deficit. Until last night.

I considered reading a book but the one I had on the go was a tomb. And it would be my downfall if, and this has happened to me, I would have gotten tired and realized too late, as the 700+ page book had tumbled down onto my slack-jaw face. I tried counting sheep until I remembered the old Bert and Ernie skit from the early Sesame Street days where Ernie was counting sheep, but then he changed to fire trucks and then popping balloons, so you can imagine my predicament. Fire trucks are loud and balloons remind me of clowns. Assclowns even. And I’m terrified of assclowns. Or any other clown for that matter.

The lack of sleep did help my thought process though, since I had a lot of time to think between 12 a.m. and 5 a.m. A lot of time. I also realized there wasn’t a lot of time between now and the end of the year, and my goal of ending off my first blog year in style.

So, I vow to you bloggers that between now (Dec. 29) and the end of the year (that gives me up to 11:59 p.m. on Dec. 31) that I will write at least one, if not two posts a day. I started this blog last May with 0 posts and I’m up to 67 posts. It’s my new goal to hit 75. That’s about 2.777 posts each week for the past six months. It’s almost three times per week and if I were on a workout schedule I’d be patting my back before kicking my ass in gear up to five days. It’s a goal and I’ve set it.

Now I’m off to buy soap, since my other new resolution is to throw out the cracked, brown shit and start afresh. Perhaps something with chamomile.

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