Tuesday, February 15, 2011

February 9th -- a good mental health day

It's been all over the airwaves, microwaves, all waves... February 9th was the day to talk openly about mental health. My own mental health has been in question for a while. For those who don't know, I have battled depression for the past 10 years. It comes and goes like those waves. Ebb and flow. In and out. Down but not out. Some days are good, some days not so good, but the fact that I am aware of how easy the downfall comes is a positive. I constantly remind myself that I am good enough, that I am worth the fight, that I deserve happiness.

This year, this February 9th was a mixed blessing. The afternoon of February 9th, when I should have been talking about mental health and perhaps my own depression story, I was called into the office at Cell Block C and told that I would no longer be working there. There was a portion of me that was relieved - my out. The other side was embarrassed. While there was a work shortage, with two salespeople down and sales dismal, the fact is that they did not want me anymore. And I didn't want them. It was a toxic relationship and no matter how hard I tried, it was a relationship that was unsalvagable.

I am not going to point fingers. I think a read through my blog would unearth the reasons for the dysfunction. It was a relationship that was not getting any better. There was no ebb and flow, just the flow of energy from me into an environment in which my efforts were not appreciated. My talents lay elsewhere.

So, I gathered my things and my pride and I bid farewell to the people I met there. I went through my orders with my office manager, cleaning up tasks and leaving as few waves as possible in my wake. And while the environment in the office was often negative, I made sure that my name was not associated with the negativity. The Cell Block C wardens were hospitable in the end. While I was told I was stupid while an employee, now that I "enjoyed" a layoff status I was told that it was not personal and that I should come away from the experience with a positive outlook - a new beginnings outlook.

I agree. It's time for a new beginning. I was trying it the old-fashioned way - to find another position and then give notice. They played their hand before I had a chance to organize my own. The hand was dealt and I'm not sure if there was one true winner. I would like to think we both are - Cell Block C no longer has to deal with me and I no longer have to dread waking up each morning to enter an environment that was no longer mentally or physically healthy.

Many of my friends would say I'm being politically correct here. "They're the assholes," they've already said. "You're better off." Both are true. The wardens are pricks. They're pricks that do not think of themselves as pricks. They think they are justified for their often inappropriate actions and interactions. I just no that job or no job, I'm 10 times happier having the day to myself to look onward and upward, for jobs nay career choices that are more in line with my happiness.

February 9th for mental health. Who would have figured it would be my own that would be saved that day.


  1. I had a very similar situation about 7 years ago. Feelings were very mixed. Toxic work environment, but who wants to be let go? In the end, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. My depression/anxiety nearly disappeared. I'm happy for you, in a way. It sounds like you're realizing it's for the best right off the bat! :)

  2. I'm trying Summer. I'm really trying. I'm headed out to the gym later on. A little bit of stress relief will help too. I know in the long term it will be the best thing for me. I have moments of panic but so far so good. I was sort of prepared for it so that helped too. And, it was a job that I knew would not be permanet. I should have left long ago.

  3. I was going to say almost exactly what Summer said. In 2003, I was laid off from a job I had outgrown. It sucked in the moment, but ultimately it was one of the hugest blessings. This is probably happening for a reason - the universe is pushing you forward so you can move out of toxicity and into happiness. I think it's a good thing. Good luck!