Monday, September 13, 2010

Zombie dentists like tongue electrocutions

I've never had a fear of the dentist until now. I'm headed out tomorrow for another dentist appointment, my third in matter of a month. After over five years of "look Ma, no cavities," I have two and a repair to a chipped filling circa 1999. And even though I asked why the guarantee was no longer valid and I made the only dentist I've ever known to laugh until he almost passed out, I'm back for another, my final to fill cavity number two.

To say I'm nervous is an understatement, especially considering the last time my dentist electrocuted my tongue. Twice. I don't know what happened but I think Dr. Dentisto's body, mind and soul was taken over by zombies. Zombies with drills and gargantuan needles, not to mention the largest sausage fingers known to don a white jacket.

He also loves dams. You know, that green rubber torture device that zombie dentists use to stifle screams and keep you wide-mouthed and tied to the chair while he drills and drills and drills until you have hollow stumps where there were molars? Where the phlegm sucker gets attached the hangy-ball thing at the back of your throat rendering you useless, unable to swallow, to scream or to call your lawyer? It's happened. Trust me.

Tomorrow it's drill time. And needle time. And while I have a pretty good tolerance for pain (ever wax your mustache!?!?), I'm now having flashbacks to the tongue electrocution and the fact that I couldn't feel my face for about 10 hours, causing me not to notice when my Diet Pepsi was running down my chin and onto my keyboard in Cell Block C cubicle, while the boss was standing by my desk and asked if I was an epileptic or if I was suffering a stroke.

"Stop mocking me," I said, channeling Peter Griffin in that one Family Guy episode when his face melted. He didn't get the reference. He sucks. And so does that phlegm sucker. And my dentist 'cause he's obviously now a zombie who charges $150 for a teeth cleaning and $300 to murder me. What a rip-off. He can't guarantee a filling but he can guarantee pain, and a large bill. 

I wonder if dental floss makes a good weapon.


  1. My husband seems to go to the dentist every week. I asked him if it's a fetish, but he assures me he just has bad teeth.

    Hope you are feeling better!

  2. Libby, I've always had good teeth but the dentist told me on this last visit that one molar was almost to the point of a root canal and I swear I pooped my pants! So far so good though and I've been brushing and flossing religiously, almost to the point of obsession. I just hope I have enamel left when I'm through! I am feeling better though. Thanks!

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