Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Common thievery comes in fives...

The Bandit is at it again, stealing ideas from other people's blogs 'cause they rock and he/she/it (yes, me) wants to share TMI. This post comes courtesy of Fickle Feline - you should really check out her blog, not only because she's got shit that's worth thieving, but because she's an inspiration.

So, without further ado, here's my FIVE. It's not Roger's Five (the five people who wish you'd delete their number from their favourites...) or the Fab Five... wait, that's the Fab Four... oh never mind. Here's a list of five things you wish I had kept to myself. But, since I like to share and I don't have an internal sensor... you're welcome.

Things I Don't Do Anymore:

1. Fancy myself an expert at the dreaded Lemon Twister or that new-fandangled Skip-It. Scribe's an old bitch now. Well, I've always been a bitch but now I'm just old, apparently accident-prone and with weak ankles and a chipped bone.

2. Drink milk straight from the milk bag. Yes, I said milk "bag" and no, I'm not referring to the breasteses. My brother taught me that glasses are just a suggestion and it's more direct to put mouth to the bag and guzzle. And I wonder why I don't drink milk at other people's houses. I know where their milk bag has been.

3. Burn ants and rip the legs off of grasshoppers, but I still reserve the right to cut worms in two and sell them for double. I am an entrepreneur, after all.

4. Clean knives with my tongue. Now if there's any peanut butter left it usually ends up on my toast. I learned my lessbon, yesh I did!

5. Show everyone my double jointed fingers and wrists... Wait, scratch that. I still do that. And, I've discovered that people get freaked out over my rubber finger. Oh, how fun.

The Most Disgusting Things I Ever Ate:

1. Liver. Since I don't live with my Mommy anymore, I don't have to eat what's on my plate and liver will never be on it (ask me about the first time meeting The Man's brother and the special "dinner they said I would enjoy).

2. Tomato juice. My gag reflex kicks in every time.

3. Lima beans. 'Nuff said.

4. Powdered skim milk. I can afford the real shit now.

5. Bourbon and sparkling wine. Bad memories. Very bad memories, and not just for me.

Favourite Words With Double Vowels In Them Such As AA, OO, or UU:



varoom. you get the picture.


Things Which Are Clear Indications That Your Boss Is a Freak and You Should Seek New Employment:

1. Your boss argues with you whether you did or did not tell her about an ice cream joint (Marble Slab Creamery) that may or may not have opened in a mall that you've never been to.

2. Your boss asks you if you used to do a lot of puzzles when you were little and maybe you should get back to them to nurture your problem-solving skills.

3. Your boss tells you that bathroom breaks are from 8:45 and 8:50 a.m. and that you should use your vacation time to book any doctor or dentist appointments regardless if you need an emergency root canal.

4. Your boss informs you that even though you're still with the company after 3 years you should have been fired in the first week because you breathe too loudly.

5. Your boss decides to dock you a day's pay because you were a little too upset to come into work after a close family member has died that day. He/she then decides to donate $10 to a charity of your choice because they are employers that "care."

People of the Internet Who Never Fail to Make Me Feel Good:

Ange of Signed by Ange
Aunt Juicebox for her love of all things bacon
The Bloggess
The Earwig's delightful Lulu
Wow that was Awkward

Oh, and Fickle Feline... but that makes six. Oh well, I don't usually abide by the rules anyways, so...


  1. THose are so funny and yet so cringe-worthy! I'm freaked out at knives so just reading what you used to do with tongues and knives almost made me hurl. However, the other stuff was too funny.


  2. I have double jointed fingers too, I can bend all of them at the first knuckle. I use it as a way to shut people up. Just hold my hand up and bend my fingers...shut's them up ASAP

    Bourbon and sparkling wine...together?

  3. What if the powdered skim milk is in a bag? ;)

  4. Clarissa, I make a lot of people cringe.

    Dual Mom, you already know my tricks!

    Kat, vavoom is one of my favourites.