Friday, August 28, 2009

I'm a feckin' ray of sunshine..

Actually, I'm not. And I'm going to get in trouble because: a) I'm slacking off at work. With an hour left until home time and on a Friday, the weekend is calling me. And I'm answering with slacks on - slacker slacks; b) I actually stole (yes, me!) the phrase from my friend at work, who stole it from a t-shirt - okay she read it off of a t-shirt and laughed her ass off. Literally. It's gone. She can't find it. Not really, but it would be really funny, wouldn't it?


I'm trying to find anything to make me laugh, to muster me out of this fog. There are many reasons for it: post-holiday blues, a fucktastic job that I would like to shove down someone's throat, negativity on a daily basis from my boss who loves when there's drama, and worse, a feeling of helplessness over a future without a Gusafus.

Gusafus is not a thing, he's a person - a little person - who doesn't have a bad bone in his body but who has a very large (and growing) tumor in his brain. And still he's all light and laughter, long, gangly legs that he will not grow into. It's a sad state when all I can do for him is kiss and hug him, fluff his pillows and love him with all of my ever-breaking heart. I would take the tumor and claim it as my own if I only could. I would sprinkle him with fairy dust to make him invisible, invincible. But I can't. All I can do is love and hold him tight to keep the monsters at bay.

Sad to say, but it puts the lives of us mere mortals in perspective. Shitty job? Gusafus will never have a job. Pining over a loss love (or lack thereof)? Gus will leave behind a legacy of love but never experience his first grown-up kiss or walk down the aisle and into the loving arms of his wife.

I had a really shitty day at work. Actually, it was a week's worth of shit to make up for the two weeks I was pretending my life here didn't exist. I do like some aspects of my life - it's not all bad - but I discovered that I would need to leave my present state of employ to leave my sanity intact. I know with some of you that's up for debate. I say piss off. I'm awesome (see, I've got an award to prove it). So now I'm here at home, Blackthorn cider in hand, remembering that others have it worse and sometimes the grass is not greener on the other side. All I have to do is look at Gus, his parents (my very best friends) and his sister to realize that while Gus doesn't have a choice on how to live his life, I do.

A toast to Gus, my little stinkpot. You make my life worth living well.

6 comments:

  1. But I do love you, Don't be sorry.

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  2. Loving the last sentence. Sometimes the grass isn't greener, ... but SOMETIMES it is.

    *cyber hugs*

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  3. I love all you guys!

    Akilah - thanks, I really needed that!

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