Common thievery comes in fives...

The Bandit is at it again, stealing ideas from other people's blogs 'cause they rock and he/she/it (yes, me) wants to share TMI. This post comes courtesy of Fickle Feline - you should really check out her blog, not only because she's got shit that's worth thieving, but because she's an inspiration.

So, without further ado, here's my FIVE. It's not Roger's Five (the five people who wish you'd delete their number from their favourites...) or the Fab Five... wait, that's the Fab Four... oh never mind. Here's a list of five things you wish I had kept to myself. But, since I like to share and I don't have an internal sensor... you're welcome.

Things I Don't Do Anymore:

1. Fancy myself an expert at the dreaded Lemon Twister or that new-fandangled Skip-It. Scribe's an old bitch now. Well, I've always been a bitch but now I'm just old, apparently accident-prone and with weak ankles and a chipped bone.

2. Drink milk straight from the milk bag. Yes, I said milk "bag" and no, I'm not referring to the breasteses. My brother taught me that glasses are just a suggestion and it's more direct to put mouth to the bag and guzzle. And I wonder why I don't drink milk at other people's houses. I know where their milk bag has been.

3. Burn ants and rip the legs off of grasshoppers, but I still reserve the right to cut worms in two and sell them for double. I am an entrepreneur, after all.

4. Clean knives with my tongue. Now if there's any peanut butter left it usually ends up on my toast. I learned my lessbon, yesh I did!

5. Show everyone my double jointed fingers and wrists... Wait, scratch that. I still do that. And, I've discovered that people get freaked out over my rubber finger. Oh, how fun.


The Most Disgusting Things I Ever Ate:

1. Liver. Since I don't live with my Mommy anymore, I don't have to eat what's on my plate and liver will never be on it (ask me about the first time meeting The Man's brother and the special "dinner they said I would enjoy).

2. Tomato juice. My gag reflex kicks in every time.

3. Lima beans. 'Nuff said.

4. Powdered skim milk. I can afford the real shit now.

5. Bourbon and sparkling wine. Bad memories. Very bad memories, and not just for me.

Favourite Words With Double Vowels In Them Such As AA, OO, or UU:

vacuum

vavoom

varoom. you get the picture.

kanoodle

Things Which Are Clear Indications That Your Boss Is a Freak and You Should Seek New Employment:

1. Your boss argues with you whether you did or did not tell her about an ice cream joint (Marble Slab Creamery) that may or may not have opened in a mall that you've never been to.

2. Your boss asks you if you used to do a lot of puzzles when you were little and maybe you should get back to them to nurture your problem-solving skills.

3. Your boss tells you that bathroom breaks are from 8:45 and 8:50 a.m. and that you should use your vacation time to book any doctor or dentist appointments regardless if you need an emergency root canal.

4. Your boss informs you that even though you're still with the company after 3 years you should have been fired in the first week because you breathe too loudly.

5. Your boss decides to dock you a day's pay because you were a little too upset to come into work after a close family member has died that day. He/she then decides to donate $10 to a charity of your choice because they are employers that "care."

People of the Internet Who Never Fail to Make Me Feel Good:

Ange of Signed by Ange
Aunt Juicebox for her love of all things bacon
The Bloggess
The Earwig's delightful Lulu
Wow that was Awkward

Oh, and Fickle Feline... but that makes six. Oh well, I don't usually abide by the rules anyways, so...

Hey Mr. Fireman, I have your number

What's the number for nine-eleven?

For the first time in my home-owning life, I had to call the fire dept. to come rescue me.

Just after I left work, I called home to tell the fam I was on my way, but stopping off at the store to pick up more cat litter, because my 15-year-old soccer ball of a cat decided she didn't like the brand of litter I bought. Or, maybe it was the fact that it needed changing and her response was to take a dump just a step away from the box. Nice. What was even nicer was the response I got from the fam. Um, Scribe, the carbon monoxide detector is going off. What should I do? Get the feck out of the house, you nimrod! I must clarify that the man is not a nimrod. He's quite astute, but under that circumstance, he was at a loss. Is the detector working and issuing a warning? Is the detector dysfunctional? I say don't even take a chance. I'd much rather have my family breathing fresh, certified fresh air than wondering whether there is a little carbon monoxide in the mix.

I rushed home to find the man, Kao the boxer and Bella the soccer ball all in the backyard with the carbon monoxide detector still screeching. I went in (like the super-hero I am), reset it and voila! Fixed. Maybe. So I called 911 and asked for them to send the whole crew to come and investigate. You can never be too thorough. I hadn't specified that the firemen be hot, but they did not disappoint. They sent their best men (and their supervisor) to come and take a look.

In the end, all was well. Their sensors indicated not one wisp of carbon monoxide and they suggested I spend the extra money and update my 7-year-old detector, one that comes equipped with a digital read-out and a battery back-up. Oh, and put the unit upstairs because that pesky gas like to rise. Yes, Mr. Fireman. Oh, call you Jay? Well then Jay, what model would you recommend? Would you like to come back to do a follow-up? Please? They were so tall, so uniformy and authoritative that I would have done 50 push-ups and a dozen planks if they'd asked me to. They didn't (praise be to Darwin).

I tried to appear nonchallant with the man around. After all, I didn't want to give him the impression that I was all about the beefcake. I am, but I don't tend to say that outloud or at least within ear shot. I'm just kind like that.

As it stood, they were more in love with Kao than anything I could offer. And Kao was in his glory. He loves meeting new people and these were people the likes he had never seen before. Tall drinks of uniformy goodness.

So tomorrow it's all about new carbon monoxide detectors, and while I'm at it, I might as well replace all of the smoke detectors in the house. Or not - if it means another visit from Fireman Jay. Maybe next time, I'll ask him to do the push-ups. While I lay on his back. Hmmmm... (evil tenting of the fingers). Excellent!