Hey Mr. Fireman, I have your number

What's the number for nine-eleven?

For the first time in my home-owning life, I had to call the fire dept. to come rescue me.

Just after I left work, I called home to tell the fam I was on my way, but stopping off at the store to pick up more cat litter, because my 15-year-old soccer ball of a cat decided she didn't like the brand of litter I bought. Or, maybe it was the fact that it needed changing and her response was to take a dump just a step away from the box. Nice. What was even nicer was the response I got from the fam. Um, Scribe, the carbon monoxide detector is going off. What should I do? Get the feck out of the house, you nimrod! I must clarify that the man is not a nimrod. He's quite astute, but under that circumstance, he was at a loss. Is the detector working and issuing a warning? Is the detector dysfunctional? I say don't even take a chance. I'd much rather have my family breathing fresh, certified fresh air than wondering whether there is a little carbon monoxide in the mix.

I rushed home to find the man, Kao the boxer and Bella the soccer ball all in the backyard with the carbon monoxide detector still screeching. I went in (like the super-hero I am), reset it and voila! Fixed. Maybe. So I called 911 and asked for them to send the whole crew to come and investigate. You can never be too thorough. I hadn't specified that the firemen be hot, but they did not disappoint. They sent their best men (and their supervisor) to come and take a look.

In the end, all was well. Their sensors indicated not one wisp of carbon monoxide and they suggested I spend the extra money and update my 7-year-old detector, one that comes equipped with a digital read-out and a battery back-up. Oh, and put the unit upstairs because that pesky gas like to rise. Yes, Mr. Fireman. Oh, call you Jay? Well then Jay, what model would you recommend? Would you like to come back to do a follow-up? Please? They were so tall, so uniformy and authoritative that I would have done 50 push-ups and a dozen planks if they'd asked me to. They didn't (praise be to Darwin).

I tried to appear nonchallant with the man around. After all, I didn't want to give him the impression that I was all about the beefcake. I am, but I don't tend to say that outloud or at least within ear shot. I'm just kind like that.

As it stood, they were more in love with Kao than anything I could offer. And Kao was in his glory. He loves meeting new people and these were people the likes he had never seen before. Tall drinks of uniformy goodness.

So tomorrow it's all about new carbon monoxide detectors, and while I'm at it, I might as well replace all of the smoke detectors in the house. Or not - if it means another visit from Fireman Jay. Maybe next time, I'll ask him to do the push-ups. While I lay on his back. Hmmmm... (evil tenting of the fingers). Excellent!