Hello, my name is Simon

Well you know my name is Simon,
and the things I draw come true
Take me
take me
take me
Over
Climb the ladder with you

At least I think that's how the song goes for Simon in the Land of Chalk Drawings.

I think I stopped drawing in Grade 8 where my pictures still included big, fluffy clouds, rainbows and hills. I was also good at drawing eyes - one eye only - cause the other eye always came out a little lopsided and certainly not the mirror image of the other. Today was my first day in the next set of art classes given by my friend Sir Robert of Norval. I was nervous because a) I didn't know the theme of the class and b) it may mean that my secret of being able to draw only rainbows and fluffy clouds badly may be revealed.

This is one of Robbie's latest pieces and incorporates the texture and "run" techniques I've learned in his class.
Isn't he great?

I can't draw a straight line, and even with a ruler I'm a bit off-centre. I think that's just a reflection of me really - off-centre, a little skewd from the norm. But today it was all about perspective, learning the two-point perspective of why things in the foreground appear larger, more substantial, foreboding and things in the background appear smaller. They're still there but just a little out of reach and smaller. Today I learned that I can draw, if only I give myself a little perspective.

So here it is: my perspective. I get weighed down in the little details, sometimes too focused on the whole picture to see what's right in front of my face, the first steps I have to make to instil change. Change in me, change to my present situation, no matter what it is, it's all about looking at the perspective and the flow of the walk, of the road, of the river I have to navigate to end up on the horizon and just a little closer to my goal.

I'm being cryptic but that's just because I'm not certain about my whole goal, the reality of where I want to end up. A new job? Definitely. A career in writing or communications? Probably. Living a life closer to my real self? Most certainly. So, I will deal with the things in the foreground first, the painting in of the trees before taking on the river at the widest point.

I've mapped out my travels and put pencil to canvas to sketch out the outline. Next it's onto colour, the painting in of the sky, river and rolling hills before I carve out the trees, the larger ones first and then smudging in of the details.

All I know is I'm excited about getting into the paints, feeling the softness on my fingertips and the texture of the canvas. I'm excited about the journey and getting my hands full of paint in the process.

Pushing buttons or pushing up daisies

Is there ever a time when someone pushes your buttons to the point that you're tempted to plan that person's murder? Morbid, I know. Psychotic, yes. Punishable by a prison sentence? Most definitely.

Yet that is what I was thinking as I hung up my archnemesis. Yes, Margaret. For those of you in the know, Margaret is Mommy Dearest. She'd been away on a cruise and foray to Florida over the last month so we've had fewer conversations than the every other day we usually end up talking - her choice, not mine. It's her choice because she calls me every other day to see what's new. That in itself is not a bad thing. What is a bad thing is the gentle jabs, the disguised barbs. This time was no different.

She doesn't know I've lost almost 15 lbs. and am well on my way to svelteness. So, when I divulged that I went out for sushi with my cousin and friend on Saturday and uttered the words "All You Can Eat" I should have expected the quick 1-2. Jab, cross and there it was: "Oh, so you pigged out then." Yes, Mother, it was all you can eat but I have restraint. Even I can't eat my weight in sashimi.

I should have expected it, prepared myself, and perhaps I should never say "All you can eat" in front of my mother. Lesson learned, Margaret. Lesson learned. And, I've learned so much from you, some good, some not.

That brings us up to the murder plan. I've discarded it. I actually folded the plan away minutes after I got off the phone - rather quickly, I might add. Thank Darwin that my cell was on its last bar of power and the tell-tale beep signified immediate disconnection. So, I disconnected, away from her, away from that negativity.

I've been doing it all my life and I guess I have to do it some more. While people do change, after almost 75 years of these comments, I don't think they are going to stop. I have taken the high road and even tried to sit her down and tell her how her comments make me feel, to no avail. Defensiveness (hers) popped in and squashed any headway for which I had hoped.

You can't teach an old dog, or in my case, mother, new tricks. I certainly can change the writing on the wall and the dynamics of our relationship. It's up to me to break the cycle.

Late night television can be edumacational

I’m a night hawk, and because of this, I see some pretty bad television.

I’m not sure what keeps me up at night – my internal clock, my internal wiring, my incessant worrying over everything that isn’t nailed down – you name it and it’s probably true, or at least makes up a portion of the reason my head doesn’t hit the pillow until at least 2 a.m. every night.

But last night was a windfall. I watched a program, while worrying about my new budget and cutbacks and light at the end of the tunnel. It’s not something I’d likely ever tune into – Tim Gunn’s Style Guide. It was pretty, frou-frou and surprisingly enlightening.

Sure, it dealt with a revamp of a wardrobe but unlike most “makeover” shows it delved deeper than the penchant for sequins and bad holiday sweaters and actually showcased a “Life Stylist.” What’s this humbo-jumbo you ask? Yeah, me too. But I kept watching.

The Life Stylist (code name for social worker, psychiatrist, therapist?) had this woman do an exercise where she labeled a bunch of volleyballs with her worries, some everyday worries, others life altering. He then had her put all of the balls into two prospective buckets, one of all the things she can control and the other things beyond her control.

After worrying about money and looking high and low for cutbacks and potential income increasers and expense decreasers, I needed some perspective. What can I control? My attitude. What can’t I control? You’d be surprised. You thought I was Wonder Woman didn’t you? I may have the same name but that’s all we share, if you don’t count the invisible plane and the gold lasso, but they’re presently locked up in my bedroom so I can scratch that worry off of the list. Phew!

So, at 2:30 in the goddamn fecking AM, I created two lists (I couldn’t find my volleyballs or a Sharpie marker… or buckets for that matter). I grabbed the first paper-like substance I could find – napkins – and wrote in point form my lists, a separate napkin for each ‘cause even though I’m skint, I’m not that cheap.

Things I can control:

• My attitude
• My weight
• My health
• My exercise regime
• My time
• My expenses (cutting back where I can)
• My job search

 

Things I can not control: 

• My family
• Other people’s reactions
• Work and the numpties I work for and with
• My past (I’m learning to forgive and let go, but not forget)
• My Man and his insecurities (I can’t make them mine or take responsibility for them)
• Other people and their issues

This morning, I’m invigorated. I may not have thrown all of the items I can’t control into the bucket, but I’m in the process one issue at a time. And that’s a start. (I also applied for about 10 jobs online last night, one of them in PEI, so I’m hoping that my career horizon is on its expansion route.)

Until then, I’m in control. Damn it.

 

Things for which I am thankful

It’s bright and sunny and although it’s a cold February day, I am happy. Happier today than I have been in a while. The reason: who knows, but I’ll take it.

This makes me smile... 

 

... And this does too.**

To commemorate this happy day, here is a list of things that made me smile today (and there’s a
lot of them!):

 

1. A lady crossed the road today while I was stopped at an intersection. She wore leopard print gloves and a smile as she strode across the street with purpose. A purpose with a smile: a lesson learned.
2. A new-style police car complete with non-descript markings to alert the driving public that it was, in fact, a police car. Talk about sneaky! Who did they think they would fool? Not this fool, that’s for certain!
3. Hitting every green light on the way to work and beating the boss in. That almost never happens.
4. Having someone tell me I look thinner in the face and that my almost 7-lb. weight loss to date is becoming noticeable. Just think what 20 lbs. will be like!?!
5. Stepping up and stepping out to go dancing on Saturday night and realizing how much I missed it.
6. Good friends and not just those who pay lip service and tell you what you want to hear. Want to know the lowdown? Just ask Anasatan and Mags. They’ll boost you up but also get your head out of the clouds, all with a gushy, love-filled centre. Oh, and a “Quack, Quack, Muthafuka.”
7. Knowing I don’t have to wake up early on Monday morning. It’s the provincial PD-Day – you may know it as “Family Day” or as my U.S.-made calendar calls it “Heritage Day.”
8. Donning a “meh, whatever” attitude upon hearing my boss had a hissy fit over something I may or may not have done. I have no clue so I’m feigning ignorance, and it’s bliss.
9. Knowing that the New Year marks a new beginning and a forward look to the future of what I want to do and not what others see fit for me. Quack, Quack, Muthafuka.
10. A clean house and a light mind. Yes, it’s all light and sunshine in the Scribe household (we can actually see out of the windows now that they no longer have nose prints on them… and they’re not mine!).

 

Okay, that’s the list, but there are others I just can’t think of right now. I’m working on making this mood last. Some say exercise is the key. I think it’s forgiveness and a sometimes swift kick up the rear.

 

Quack, Quack Muthafuka.

 

** Chaplin image "borrowed" by Stephen E. Wise, visionary artist. Visit him at www.stephenewise.com.
It's worth a look!

 

The Reiki Experiment

I’ve been experimenting as of late. While there’s no need to wear surgical masks or a HASMAC suit, there may be an occasion to wear a robe. White, black, pink… choose whatever colour tickles your fancy or any other part of your body (for which I am not responsible).


A few months ago I had an epiphany while visiting my Ranger friend. She’d just come back from six months in India, a combination of work and travel, and she’d come back refreshed, recharged and reinvigorated with love for the whole planet. And, she wants to save it one person, one molecule at a time. I’d gone over to find out more about her travels (I followed her journey on FB), and I also wanted to hear about a new venture she’d started – as a Reiki practitioner. I made the mistake of referring to her as a Reiki master. No, I was told, “not master yet. I’m still in super-sponge mode.” And so was I.

I was an energy sponge. Apparently, I didn’t have enough of my own so I had to rely on hers, steal, if you will.

For those who don’t know what Reiki is, it’s something called “healing hands” where your Reiki practitioner (some are even masters) will guide you through a healing process, to open yourself up to your inner eye using their own energy and healing transferred to you through their hands. What you see/experience during this process is totally up to you and your own psyche. Me, it took me to a place where I felt like a trespasser at first. Many minutes and quite a few tears later, I felt at peace.

It’s healing by the placing of hands, and it’s not as kinky as you think. Look at it as a massage for your soul. With her hand on my lower back and one on my head, Ranger transferred her energy to me, and with it, my mind went on a trip. The third eye thing? It really works.

I was transformed. Apparently, I had been carrying a whole load of guilt around for the past 10 years. Now, I’ve had a lot of guilt in my life. Have you met my mother? But this was guilt I didn’t even know I had and I had to ask forgiveness.

My mother-in-law died over 10 years ago of pancreatic cancer. She fought valiantly and managed to make it to our wedding in November (she was diagnosed in July). I loved her; sometimes I’m remiss to admit, more than my own mother. She also loved me, unconditionally and for that I am grateful and blessed.

She died in March of the following year and about a year-and-a-half later, so did my marriage, and that was the guilt I was carrying. I’m not going to go into detail of my divorce – where the fault lay and so on – because there’s responsibility on both sides. What I will say is that I felt horrible for walking out, not for my ex-husband, but for my mother-in-law because I felt I had betrayed her. I had hurt her only son not long after she had to leave. I had been subconsciously punishing myself.

Through Reiki and using Ranger’s energy, I had taken a journey in my mind, over hills and through forests to visit my mother-in-law and the whole judge and jury, only to feel love and forgiveness, the unconditional love she gave so freely in life.

Whether I was making it up or not (at first I felt like a fraud, searching for images to appease the master), I did take a journey that led me to feelings of forgiveness and light that filled my heart for almost a week.

Hoax or not, Ranger’s Reiki are definitely top on my list for things to try (and try again) in 2010.

It's Wednesday morning and all is well... or it will be

There's now one day until New Year's Eve, complete with new resolutions - or at least revamped resolutions for another year. There's a resolution that's been on my list for many a year now. There were five years where it was modified: To live a healthy lifestyle; and more often than naught that included losing weight.

This year there are a few more resolutions but they are all encompassed into one: to create a better me. Whether that includes resurrecting my workout routine (or a variation of), eating healthy or even more importantly, thinking healthy, it all comes back to one thing. Me.

Aunt Juicebox of Bacon Is My Lover fame (god, I still LOVE that blog name and wish I had thought of it myself) coined a term today that I also wished I had invented. "Today, I begin." It really struck a chord with me and for that I thank my dear Aunt for reminding me that all of these resolutions begin and end with me. I'm the one in the driver's seat. I'm the one who drives my future. I am the one who has been holding myself back, with negative talk, looking at the glass half full and looking at areas where I feel I come up short. That's been changing over the past few months and I feel poised for change. I'm not only poised; I am change.

One of my first steps is to pay the piper (sorry Juicebox, you won't be seeing a cheque in the mail!). I am stepping out and stepping up on the scale at WeightWatchers. I had been talking about it for a while, but I sealed the deal when I asked The Man for a six-month weight loss membership in lieu of the digital SLR that was way out of the budget. This is not and it's only going to help me in the long run. It's the gift that keeps on giving and it's a gift I want to give to myself.

I know that WeightWatchers is not the end-all-and-be-all. I see it as a tool. It's holding myself accountable for the decisions I make - what to put in my mouth and what to do to get the pounds off and keep them off. They say that it's not a diet but a lifestyle change, and that needs to extend to my entire life - to respect and love myself enough to give myself the very best.

So tomorrow bloggers, I am off to my first meeting. Yes, I'm starting before the New Year. There's no time like the present. A present to and for me. My lifestyle change begins with me. It begins now.

Happy 2010 everyone. I'll keep you posted on my journey.

Wishing for you

Merely to dream is already important in itself

I wish you endless dreams
And the furious desire to go and make some of them come true
I wish for you to love what needs to be loved
And to forget what needs to be forgotten
I wish you passions
I wish you silences
I wish you birdsong when you wake
And children’s laughter
I wish for you to resist indifference, resignation
And the negative traits of our times


Most of all… I wish for you to BE YOU.

I wish for you to be YOU.

It’s a simple thing, but it’s a wish that gets lost in all of our expectations, of ourselves and others – and we know we have them.

I’ve often been accused (perhaps accused isn’t the right word) of expecting perfection in myself and being disappointed upon finding out that others do not share the same mentality. They may expect it of me (or perhaps that’s my own mind playing tricks), but expecting of themselves is another story altogether.

This past year has been a search for me. I’m searching for many things, but moreover, I’m searching for the person I would like to be. Searching, wishing, hoping – it’s all the same. The more I search, the more questions I have. The more people ask for my opinion, the more I have to stop and think “What do I really think?”

Going with the flow is no longer the status quo. I’m sure I will ruffle feathers with my newfound “I am important” attitude – it already has. I no longer ask everyone’s opinion prior to making a decision (or I try not to) – going with the status quo even when it affects only me. I make plans and then invite others to join me, not as I did before, trying to get the consensus of what everyone else wanted to do. It’s all me, all the time. Baby.

It hasn’t been an easy haul. I’m fighting years and years of habit, of what was comfortable, of not going against the grain for fear of disappointment, not in myself, but in others. Now when I shirk away from expressing my alternate opinion the disappointment I feel is in me, for not being authentic and living my authentic self. What is comfortable and familiar is in a Battle Royale with my new, self-empowering, distinctive path.

As usual, this inspirational post does not come out of thin air, or even my imagination. I was wondering what my next post would be about – certainly not the digital SLR we can’t afford to get (the tears don’t come as freely these days) – but I wanted it to be a personal, upfront and feel-good promise. A promise to do better, aim higher and reach further than I did this year. Again, I have Ange of Signed by Ange to thank (you can visit her via my bloglist sidebar). Ange always seems to come in with just the right poem, saying or sentiment to keep me going. There are others too – I’ll steal from them too! And as long as I’m inspired to continue on this path, I will continue to raid from anywhere and anyone – a note, a poem, a message written on a bathroom wall. No place is off-limits.

The Year 2010 will probably not be 100 per cent fluffy lambs and floating cherubs. I’m not expecting a miracle, but amidst the chaos there will be authenticity, and a resistance to indifference, resignation and negative responses to the new, unapologetic Scribe. And there will be laughter and birds chirping outside of my window. Even if I have to pay them.

Here’s to an honest, in-your-face authentic 2010. I wish all of you a very happy, healthy and inspired New Year. And I wish for passions and pursuit of those passions that make each and every one of you unique. I look forward to following your travels as you hopefully enjoy mine.

Much love from the blogosphere,

Scribe (along with Kao and Bella)

Triumph, one battle at a time

You may not realize from my brilliant posts that I can sometimes (okay, most times) shrink away from conflict. I'm a coward. I don't like confrontation and will, at times, do anything to avoid it, including putting my needs and opinions on the back burner to save someone else's feelings. Hi, my name is Scribe and I am an enabler.

I go with the flow, even though that flow goes against my wishes. I'm often heard saying: "Oh, whatever you want," or being so indecisive, nervous of seeming selfish or greedy. I couldn't understand why others always got what they wanted and my "playing nicely with others" didn't seem to go as far or make me as happy.

Just this past week, I donned new clothes, shrugging on Ralph Waldo Emerson's suit of self-reliance. I quoted him (thanks again, Ange) in one of last week's posts: "My life is not an apology but a life. It is for itself and not for a spectacle. What I must do is all that concerns me. Not what people think." It's been so profound that I've even tacked it up to my cubicle wall for a visual reminder everyday.

The ultimate test, for me, came this past weekend. Without going into details, I went outside of my norm, so out of my comfort zone that I thought I would need a map. I gave someone two choices. One choice was ultimately what I wanted to happen. The other was a less desirable option, specifically less desirable for them. I had to be comfortable with either outcome.

They say the first time is always the hardest, especially when doing something that you've been afraid to tackle in the past. Speaking up for myself and making my needs known has been an albatross around my neck. I was afraid and because of that I rarely did it. I enabled others' bad behaviour because I didn't correct it right away. I let it fester and so did I.

It's triumph, one battle at a time. It may not be an actual battle or confrontation with another person. Often, it's me fighting my inner demons and using all my strength not to go with the status quo, as obviously what did not work before will still NOT work. Wasn't it Eleanor Roosevelt who said "Do the things you think you can not." I think I'm on the right path.