Monday, May 23, 2011

An open letter to a passive-aggressive partner

I can't tell you how I hate you, how much, how little or even if I do.

There's a fine line between love and hate, and try as I might, I don't want to trip over that line.  I do hate the way you neglected to open up to me. I hate the way you used insincere words and a lack of action to control me. I hate that you neglected and took advantage of me because, in your words, "you could."

I hate the silence, the puppy dog eyes that follow me from room to room, from this life to the next. I despise the fact that you will never take responsibility for your part in this, only to say that "we tried, but we couldn't make it work."

There's a fine line between love and hate and I walk that line precariously, my feelings changing on a minute by minute, breath by breath basis, mourning for what could have been and relishing the thought of stomping out what it actually was.

I hate that you would never open up, taking my feelings and discounting or discrediting them. I hate your inability to really get close, connect, make love without thinking about your shortcomings. Control replaced love, insecurities replaced closeness and at the core, you blamed me.

I hate the way you made me feel when time after time I forgave you only to realize that it would happen again because you didn't want to change, you didn't want to own your mistakes. It was rare that words followed by legitimate action, only enough to appease me. Until the next time and there always a next time.

I hate that I believed we were entering into a partnership, one that was doomed from the start because you could no longer hide things from me but tried anyway. I hate that the mere definition of a passive-aggressive bears an uncanny resemblance to you. I hate that you held onto grudges for a year or more, or even for forever and that I would never know until you exploded from surpressing everything, stuffing everything down and sticking your head in the sand and pretending you didn't know that the world, our world was crumbling. I hated that you lied to me for three years or more, and that I had to find out from the police officer that pulled you over. I hated you for thinking you could get away with it. And, that you almost did. I hate that I had to take a final stand, and even then, you will not learn.

I hate that you found it so easy to ask for one last favour even after admitting to taking advantage of me, and that my natural reaction was to acquiese despite proof that you were not to be trusted. I hate the fact that silence hangs in the house, accusations a blanket shrouding what is real. I hate that you were surprised when I told you I had considered looking elsewhere when you witheld from me for years with no explanation.

There is a fine line between love and hate. I'm not sure which side I now rest. I just know that it's more important to love rather than hate and I have to start with myself.

Wishing you all that you deserve,


  1. I needed this on this day. At this exact time this morning. I am at this edge in my marriage, and the partner you described in this post is my husband dead on. There are mornings I wake up and his selfishness and separation are crystal clear, then broaching the subject matter with him makes everything confused, clouded, and possibly even my fault. Manipulative people come in all shapes and sizes, but their stripes must be the same. I'm sorry you are going through this, Scribe. Lots of love, Sum

  2. Summer, I'm happy that someone else understands but I'm incredibly sorry you're going through this too. Just remember that you are responsible for your own behaviour and that doesn't mean you have to accept theirs. I'm mad at myself for allowing it to happen, accepting it for so long.

  3. Scribe I hope you're okay. This is a horrible situation; a horrible lesson to learn. I hope you get through okay. You matter above all else. Keep putting YOU first.

  4. Thanks Mel. Putting me first is my top priority, and yes, it's a lesson learned. I will be okay!

  5. Oh. My. God. As someone in the process of leaving her husband you just made tears come to eyes that I thought had used up all their supply. Did I write this letter? I don't remember writing it, but it feels like it came straight from my heart. Thank you for this. And solidarity, sister.

  6. Solidarity, Shop Girl! This too shall pass, or at least that's what I keep telling myself! I have a few boxes of tissues if you need them! I know I sure do. Ending something is never easy, especially with the conflicting emotions. Your sisters (and me included) are there for you.

  7. Jeez Scribe. Hang in there. I've been with one of those types before… So I know some of those situations. Look after yourself and big hoorrrrrrrrray for making the choice. You are in for bigger and better things!
    Much love

  8. Thanks Ange. It's been a long haul but I feel the better for having gone through it and for coming out on the other side. Now it's time to focus on me, 100% without the games. I appreciate your kind words. Much love!

  9. Thank you for your words. A help to me. Thankfully it has been only 18 months for me. Hope you are well now.ox