These past few weeks, Scribe has started to make a lot of decisions. A lot. She's got a lot to change. The mindset is one of them and even though it's been a battle, it's going to continue.
Perhaps one decision would be to stop talking in the third person. I don't know why I do it. Sometimes it's funny. Sometimes it's to deflect some sort of responsibility. It's not like I'm talking about ME... but I am. These changes are not a New Year's Resolution. It just happened to coincide. I had decided in December that I will NOT go through another birthday in tears over my suck-ass job at Cell Block C. I'm working to make that a reality.
More importantly, I'm getting off my ass and realizing that the real work is ahead of me, and honestly, I'm a little frightened. They say a little fear is healthy. I hope I'm on my way to a healthy outlook and a healthy future.
So here it is - the list of what I'm changing:
- My inability to speak up when I'm upset, hurt or insulted.
- My career away from Cell Block C and the steps I need to take to get there, which one of them is to go back to school... at 40.
- My current financial/fiscal situation.
- My level of honesty with myself.
- My fitness level and overall health... yes, I've been going to the gym, thanks to inspiration from my gym rat friends.
- My all or nothing attitude. It's one step at a time, and it's constant. Every day. Every minute.
I find what scares me the most at this moment is the thought of going back to school. It's not that I didn't finish college. I did. With flying colours. But, technology and techniques have changed and I've been out of the media world for a few years, skirting along the edges by writing this blog and taking on freelance positions here and there. Now I need xhtml training, more Photoshop, Illustrator, Dreamweaver... arghh! I'm also no longer offering the skills I do already possess for free - I'm willing to help anyone but if it means missing out on a fee for services rendered and keeping the credit sharks at bay, I'm sorry but it will be a no, thank you. Go find another sucker.
Back in August, I signed up to do the editorial content for a new website portal venture that was supposed to take my city by storm. What I didn't know was that it meant all the responsibility and work would fall on my shoulders and my "partner" would not even live up to his promise of setting up the bank accounts, organizing the literature or business cards and recruiting sales agents. I also offered my editing services for his book. That was in July/August and despite an agreement on a fee and payment schedule, I received payment in full last week. In the middle of January.
I heard all the excuses: my pay cheque didn't clear; I didn't get a chance to go to the bank; I don't have any cheques; I've been up all day/night and need to sleep so I can't meet you for five minutes. I served the ultimatum steaming hot - "I need full payment tomorrow or I can't make my mortgage payment and the bank will foreclose. I'll lose my house." I wouldn't have lost it - I'm too responsible for that. I am just tired of carrying people and their financial woes when they have no concern for mine.
I don't want to forgo on a haircut or hold off on taking that course because someone else couldn't pay up. I'm tired of looking at my bank account every day and accounting for every penny, for wondering if I should buy that Tim Horton's coffee or will it put me into a deficit balance on my bank account. I'm tired of being responsible for everything.
I know responsibility is part of life, my adult one. I get that. What I don't get is why I have to sacrifice so someone else doesn't have to. I'm looking to go back to school and to earn more money, I first have to spend it... on tuition, on books and the like. It's part-time for now, but I've decided that my ultimate goal is to give back to the school that gave me my start, my inspiration, my training, and for that I will need to get my Master's degree. It's three years of courses. It's putting myself out there and learning when I haven't been in some semblance of school for 20 years. Times have changed and I must change with them.
It's time for me to think about me and my aspirations. It's time to think about my feelings instead of everyone else. It's time to put me first. And that, my friends, scares the crap out of me.