Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Put on the tea, Hun, I'm cummin' home

I've been reading a lot about farts, penis farts, cha-cha farts and about farts in general, of the posterior kind. Living with three males (two human, one canine), I know a thing or two about farts. I know that the word fart is not an entirely pleasant noun or verb, in whichever context you choose to use it. "Momma, I have to fart" is a legitimate use of the word, though it would have many moms cringing. A cell phone ring entitled Juicy Fart was regularly requested by my neice and nephew, who not only enjoyed the sound, but the name also had them in stitches.

You see, we were not allowed to use "fart" in our household. Nor did we say "toot," which is a favourite of my boyfriend. "Kao, did you toot? Oh no, that was me." To me, the word "toot" is a little too PG-13. My mum chose an equally inappropriate (and uncommon) substitute. I'm not entirely sure why but, while she used the correct term for taking a crap - bowel movements - she chose the word "pomp" to acknowledge the act of flatulence. Pomp. Pomp and circumstance. Pomp. Pomp-pomp-de-pomp-pomp.

Fart explains everything: the intent, the sound, the smell. Fart is a repulsive word, often said with distaste. A long-time friend loves her farts. She loves saying the word, she loves the act of farting and she likes sharing her farts. In a closed car, six hours, on the way home from Montreal with one traveler recovering from food poisoning (yes, that was me). She farted. I vomited. It was a lovely trip. But, I did manage to buy a purse and a pair of shoes. I have my priorities.

I also have a list of words that are created as they should sound. Shart. Yes, it's a combined word - fart and shit: shart. It it is spelled exactly as it must. As it sounds. It explains everything without the use of a dictionary.

Sperm is a weird word. If you hadn't already gotten the 4-1-1 from your sex ed class, would you get an idea of what sperm is just by hearing the word? I prefer splooge. I'm not entirely sure how it's spelled or if anyone really knows so we can find an expert opinion on the spelling. But splooge sounds exactly as it must.

You must be asking what in the hell led to this most random post. Besides the vast array of fart stories courtesy of my fellow bloggers, it was a mere grocery list and a short-form that had me doing a double-take. My tenant had run out of Spearmint tea. He wrote it down on a piece of paper and tacked it to the fridge to remind himself. A seemingly innocent and regular act, but not when I'm around. Spearm tea. Sperm tea, I thought? Ick.

And then my mind expanded to the intricacies of creating sperm tea. And how to keep the sperm in the teabag and not free swimming in your china tea cup, the ones that you take out only for special occasions, like when the euchre ladies come to play a hand or two. And then I thought about my mother's euchre friends drinking tea. Splooge tea. Reading their fortunes in the bottom of a teacup. Sperm reading. And then I vomited. Puked. Talked to Huey on the big, white telephone. Hurled. Ralphed. You get the picture.

Now, if only I can find a nice tea to settle my stomach.


  1. I think the word that most affects me is the "c" word. I have no problem cussing out anyone. In fact, I'm quite a potty mouth. But the "c" word is just so vivid and mean. I don't like the word vagina either, though. So maybe I just have issues. But as long as I'm not an ob/gyn or a lesbian, I don't think I need to work on anything.

  2. LOL Sharon. I have a problem with that word too, which is why it's not on my list. I prefer Cha-Cha. It's delicate - just like me!

  3. Oh lord your mind takes leaps and bounds, doesn't it! From spearment to farts haha. Nonetheless, an entertaining post. I've never heard anyone use either pomp or splooge so I think I might have to drop those into conversation sometime!

    Shawna's Study Abroad

  4. Thanks Shawna. You're more than welcome to use them!

  5. Haaa! You're all over the place today and I like it. Who doesn't like talk of farts, sperm and vagina's in the morning? ;D

    When Philip Seymour Hoffman said "Dude, I just sharted," in "Along Came Polly" I nearly died laughing.

    I have my kids saying "pass gas" (mainly for when we're in the company of others) but they continually say fart anyway 'cos they're used to it more than the other term.

    When my daugter was smaller, I heard another mom call it vajy (va-jee) so we used that till she got older and changing from vajy to vagina was pretty smooth. The c-word for it awful, isn't it?

    Goodness! My mom had an old friend teach her young daughter "stink box"!!!!! That mom should have been slapped with an oversized labia for that one. How could you teach your daughter something derogatory like that about her own body part? My mom was over and actually heard this mom ask her daughter "if she had washed her stink box." The hell?