Put on the tea, Hun, I'm cummin' home

I've been reading a lot about farts, penis farts, cha-cha farts and about farts in general, of the posterior kind. Living with three males (two human, one canine), I know a thing or two about farts. I know that the word fart is not an entirely pleasant noun or verb, in whichever context you choose to use it. "Momma, I have to fart" is a legitimate use of the word, though it would have many moms cringing. A cell phone ring entitled Juicy Fart was regularly requested by my neice and nephew, who not only enjoyed the sound, but the name also had them in stitches.

You see, we were not allowed to use "fart" in our household. Nor did we say "toot," which is a favourite of my boyfriend. "Kao, did you toot? Oh no, that was me." To me, the word "toot" is a little too PG-13. My mum chose an equally inappropriate (and uncommon) substitute. I'm not entirely sure why but, while she used the correct term for taking a crap - bowel movements - she chose the word "pomp" to acknowledge the act of flatulence. Pomp. Pomp and circumstance. Pomp. Pomp-pomp-de-pomp-pomp.

Fart explains everything: the intent, the sound, the smell. Fart is a repulsive word, often said with distaste. A long-time friend loves her farts. She loves saying the word, she loves the act of farting and she likes sharing her farts. In a closed car, six hours, on the way home from Montreal with one traveler recovering from food poisoning (yes, that was me). She farted. I vomited. It was a lovely trip. But, I did manage to buy a purse and a pair of shoes. I have my priorities.

I also have a list of words that are created as they should sound. Shart. Yes, it's a combined word - fart and shit: shart. It it is spelled exactly as it must. As it sounds. It explains everything without the use of a dictionary.

Sperm is a weird word. If you hadn't already gotten the 4-1-1 from your sex ed class, would you get an idea of what sperm is just by hearing the word? I prefer splooge. I'm not entirely sure how it's spelled or if anyone really knows so we can find an expert opinion on the spelling. But splooge sounds exactly as it must.

You must be asking what in the hell led to this most random post. Besides the vast array of fart stories courtesy of my fellow bloggers, it was a mere grocery list and a short-form that had me doing a double-take. My tenant had run out of Spearmint tea. He wrote it down on a piece of paper and tacked it to the fridge to remind himself. A seemingly innocent and regular act, but not when I'm around. Spearm tea. Sperm tea, I thought? Ick.

And then my mind expanded to the intricacies of creating sperm tea. And how to keep the sperm in the teabag and not free swimming in your china tea cup, the ones that you take out only for special occasions, like when the euchre ladies come to play a hand or two. And then I thought about my mother's euchre friends drinking tea. Splooge tea. Reading their fortunes in the bottom of a teacup. Sperm reading. And then I vomited. Puked. Talked to Huey on the big, white telephone. Hurled. Ralphed. You get the picture.

Now, if only I can find a nice tea to settle my stomach.