Anger at its best

I’m really angry. So angry that little things are getting to me. It’s been a long month since Scott left. Up and left. Abandoned. I feel abandoned by my parents, even though I told them I needed space. I know they’re trying but I’m just so angry at the last 40 years that I haven’t dealt with. That is not their fault. It’s mine. Their fault lies in continuing to treat me like a child, even at the age of 40.

I went to see Dr. Hall today. She gave me permission to be selfish and not talk to them until I’m able to set up a game plan to deal with them. She said it’s not something I can do by myself, because obviously my ways of coping with them don’t work. I’m too involved. I’m too mired in it all. I’m too tired to deal.

I’ve contemplated suicide a number of times over the years and have also reached out just in time. I hope this is the case again. I’m really trying. To make my own decisions, but even then I question whether I’m just going through the motions and if I’m making the right decision – decisions about everything.

The biggest decision I’ve made in the last month is to sell my house and start fresh. I don’t want to give up the house. I’ve known it for the past 10 years, and it’s known me. But it’s been a constant worry, over bills, over what to do to improve the house. Scott made it easy by taking over. His goals became mine. I didn’t have to think because he was there making decisions that I couldn’t. I question every thought I have. 

I don’t know when I started to feel inferior to Scott. Perhaps it was because I was unable to move, unable to make decisions because I was so worried about making the wrong one that I lost sight of what I wanted. I still don’t know what I want. Ideally, it should be all mapped out. I’m planning as I go, and still worried that my decisions today will have an adverse effect on moments in the future. Lack of any decision also has an adverse effect because I’m stagnant. Mired in my own thoughts, in my feelings of inadequacy.

Scott tried to push me, to make decisions, to tell him where I wanted my future to go. I wanted to be with him. To have joint goals. I lost myself in the process, and I’m not really sure I knew myself in the first place.

I’m always one to please: my parents, bosses, co-workers, others. Decisions were made by asking everyone’s opinions but mine, because I was told over and over again that my opinion didn’t count. That I was wrong. In every aspect – my laugh, my look, my personality. I became everyone else’s personality. Every personality but my own because I, at the age of 40-something, still didn’t know what my personality entailed. What makes me tick. I know I root for the underdog because that’s who I am. I root for the downtrodden because that’s how I’ve felt for so long. When you’re told “be careful, you’re going to fail, you can’t survive without others because you don’t know best” it’s hard to see who you really are, the person you want to be – because you’re so used to others telling you who you should be, how you should act.